I will survive...

There are times when I feel its all true
there are times when I feel its all untrue
What is my life all about?
O! how I wish I knew...

I've been living alone in my own world
dreaming of a special someone
yearning for him all the while
this is something I cannot deny

There are no chains yet I feel bound
in some unknown binds that hold me tight
I tread my melancholic life as such
as the way, the day paves for the night

I see the road but it has no end
I see a boat but it has no anchor
So I plunge head on into the seas
to make sense of my destiny

Amongst the waves is where I will now live
Amongst the waves is where I shall die
I need to befriend the storms to survive
the highs and lows of my life!

I feel surrendered, I feel lost

Our love when one was blissful and strong
how then did our relation, go so wrong?
my mind totters as I think of the past
I feel surrendered, I feel lost!

I am engulfed in sheer distress
as days without you seem endless
my heart bleeds as I think of the past
I feel surrendered, I feel lost!

My fate left on me such a deep mark
that I am now scared of the violent dark
my eyes cry as I think of the past
I feel surrendered, I feel lost!

A lot of pain with a lot of sigh
are all that's left, this ain't a lie
my soul dreads as I think of the past
I feel surrendered, I feel lost!

Tears

As a tear drops from my eye

I feel the angiush deep inside

as it surges it harkens back in time 

over the carefree moments, now lost

as a strange silence breaks my thoughts

abstract collages clutter my mind

I feel trapped within my own confines

in the reflections of darkness, I repine

I can't stop crying; I let them flow

for my grief stricken heart is hollow

I know something within me has died

that I am feeling empty, I can't hide

I can't count my wounds; they are too many

I need solace but can't find any!!

I don't know what to do; I can't continue;

I don't wanna live; I wish I could die

all I feel is hurt, all I sense is pain

all that's left are my tears that rain!!

Without him...

Life seemed blissful
with my new found love
I thought at last I'd my anchor
n' now I would be safe ashore
walking hand in hand
matching step to step
in the warmth of his love I lived
on his shoulders I careened
I drifted to a new world order
with rosy dreams in splendor
I thought it was all true
that there was life without its rues
till reality jolted me on the inside
when one fine day he left my side
n’ walked away never looking back
without even telling me if he'll comeback!!

I am now feeling empty within
as he has taken my heart n' soul akin
the void he has left cannot be filled
I don’t know now if I will live...

Lost Will

When he said he did not love me anymore
It broke my heart, I could take it no more
He shattered my feelings and left me ashen
He still doesn't know what all he has done

I've lost my will, I've lost my might
I am standing still, I cannot fight!

I realise, all that he said were blatant lies
As tears continuously stream down from my eyes
Yet I hold all of our moments together so tight
As the darkness surrounding me offers no respite

I've lost my will, I've lost my might
I am standing still, I cannot fight!

Embracing solitude when depraved of love
I looked upward towards the sky above
I wondered who's the master controlling my strings?
why life has robbed me off my little things?

I've lost my will, I've lost my might
I am standing still, I cannot fight!

Frozen Love

You! the man of my life
redeemer of my strife
a blessing from above
the soul whom I loved
has now everything destroyed
leaving emptiness and a void

I want to scream and shout
but my words just won't come out
the allegation and accusation
expressed your frustration
the torturous words, hurt
causing tears, that I avert

I thought we were meant for each other
spending the rest of our lives together
but this was not how 'twas meant to be
separate paths were written in our destiny
our footprints, over time will be erased
just like how our memories would fade

we must walk alone now in silence
mulling over our frozen love in obeisance!

Life is calling...

I love the cool breeze
against the silent sea
it makes me feel
as if I am free
my spirits are high
under the blue sky
I do not feel tied down
by the worldly sighs
for once my mind
is not going astray
I feel my troubles
will soon be washed away
I hear my inner voice clear
it's no longer a whisper
my thoughts seem sound
with no conflicts around
I feel content as can be
so blissful is the serenity
this freedom is what
I sought all along
this is the place
to where I belong
I have to set pace
I must not slow down
for my soul is beckoning
n' my Life is calling...

Surreal

I don't know for how long
has darkness surrounded me
time has flown so fast n' now
it all seems like eternity
I look at the waters of the stream
but find no reflection of the real me
demons unleashed; haunt n' tease
as fears move with a lot of ease
trials keep pouring; there's no stopping
they seem to be testing me endlessly
my head is spinning round n' round
my mind is chaotic with all the sounds
at every crossroad, I lose my way
O! will this ever end some day?

I close my eyes n' I see the gleam
a rainbow of lights or so it seems
as life appears on a new canvas
the splendid colors make me anxious
I enjoy every moment I live here
with peace n' bliss that endear
I yearn for this to be true n' real
but, alas! it's my dream n' it's surreal!

Never at ease

My life's been an expanse of darkness

hurt and agony flowing in boundless

a rampant world, plagued with chaos 

beseeched with voices lacking ethos

as continuing strife, beckoned my life

the vast blackness kept growing inside

as I grew, I lost out on my spark

my will kept fading into the dark

my trapped mind, nobody could see

O! how much I wanted to set it free

I was held up there with nowhere to go

death of a loved one, came as a blow

the innocence, enslaved n' slained

so deeply embedded has been the pain

the fear that lurked deep within

contrived n' usurped my love-in

the uneasiness that set within me

locked my essence for eternity

as the turbulence within refused to cease

I realised I have never been at ease!

Love fell apart...

I did not leave love,
'twas love that left me!

I thought our love was strong
how then did everythin' go so wrong?
our love seemed blithe n' all was right
but as it grew bandy, it shattered me
it left me alone with sorrow n' pain
O! how could our love be so vain

I did not leave love,
'twas love that left me!

you were mine n' meant to stay
why then my love, did you go away?
with you, you took away our dreams
our world, our joy n' all the gleams
the anger, the despair n' the darkness
tears flow down in streams now endless

I did not leave love,
'twas love that left me!

it's hurting a lot within

but I will not let it show

how much I loved him 

he will never ever know

for when he did depart

our love fell apart

I did not leave love, 

'twas love that broke my heart!

Endless Journey

I heard the voice inside that said ~
"You'll seek what you want in the end"
I thought I then knew what I had to do
So I started traversing on paths anew
on the roads that were less taken
not meant for the crest-fallen
I continued on my stride
even when the winds pried
keepin' my spirits alive
o'er the raging tide
reprising the only voice
that I heard inside
I strode deeper and deeper
determined to reach sooner
I dabbled over my choices
aimed at a central quest
to seek the end n' define the "I"
to sieve the truth from the lie
I continued to wander across the lands
thru' the mystifying n' changing sands
I did this for many many years
letting my hope cast away my fears
but at the twists n' turns of the alley
serendipity paved way for melancholy
as I reached the peak of my journey
my virtues got chained
I saw that the mysteries of nature
were rife with rules insane
the voice that I heard initially
lost clarity n' was strained
at last I realised that all that I sought
'twas all only in my thoughts
for the journey had no end
as there was no end to the road
my pursuit was a tryst
as the end did not exist!!

Abyss

she has always been alone
trapped in the dark abyss
unwanted, rebuked n' abused
with loneliness as her only ally
she has known it now for long
that solitude is her only rescue
from all her dreaded despair
that tears are her only comfort
through the dark murky nights
that the discerned road to death
is the only solace to her life
where inveigled love seemed
like a blessing in disguise
but turned out to be a curse
devouring the translucent joys
seasons transformed and faded
the decisions she had taken then
in the myriad appeared jaded
when fear kept tightening its grip
and choking her on her breath
she strived and struggled to rise
but as the descent gained space
she lost the smile from her face
the emotions which she thought
that would forever last
receded gradually into her past
and the true image of her soul
got swallowed as a whole
and forever she remained
trapped in the blackhole

I am nothing without you…

My heart beats only for you

My body aches to be one with you

My soul looks around to seek you

I feel I am nothing without you...

As tears steadily flow from my eyes

the moistness in my cheeks begin to dry

I long to rest on your chest but it can't be

for we are separated by miles of sea

When you are not around, my heart goes sinking

for you are the only one that I think about 

When you are not around, I feel like dying

for you are the only one, I truly love

Without you, the world means nothing to me

it’s only you who can keep alive my soul

my heart's with you, come, embrace me my love -

for I am nothing without you...

I Love You

Our relation is of a special kind

transcending between space and time

where every moment I am thinking of you

wanting to hear you, feel you, see you

my body and my heart belong to you

you are my soulmate, I Love You!

If not for you, I would've never known

what true love really meant

I’d never've felt this inner peace

I couldn’t have been so content

your presence brightens my day

come what may, I need you in every way!

You make me feel blissful and complete

in your company, I do not resist

you accept me the way I'm, you let me be

I give myself unto you willingly

with you all my dreams have come true

you are my special someone, I Love You!

A Special One...

June' 09 -

A month back from today ...

I found a special SOMEONE

or maybe he found me

or was it fate ordained, chance or destiny?

pre-destination that may be called in any name

it feels like an act destined

at time's beginning

an unseen to be seen

when it was meant to be

It’s something I'll never know

it doesn’t matter now -

for the bond has been

nurtured to be very strong

So much of him I like & adore

his gentle expression 

sealed with warmth

his witty humor n' impressive intellect

cast in a honest face

and an ever-ready smile 

flashed through concerned eyes

Our relation is special to me in so many ways

that it cannot be so easily defined

but know that -

it means the WORLD to me

to have known and bonded with him

incised with hope & true care

counting the days and hours we spend together

cherishing them in memory to live for ever...

Soul Redeemer

The world looked at me through shattered glass

piercing at my every body part

steadily hurting but never quite knowing

that the pain within me was growing

everything moved and continued to move

everthing transformed and continued to transform

the entire surrounding was caving in on me

with every passing moment, rising my agony

my soul though captured, yearned to set free

the mere thought of which seemed blasphemy

the light that I saw was from the dead stars

the new born ones were miles apart

such was the paradox of my life

that my fractured soul sought to know

what was it that it had done

for not finding love in abandon

To each one is obliged a soulmate I was told

and so he came across as the restorer of my soul

he healed my heart and set it free

he muted the forces that were oppresssing me

he brought in with him an oppurtune for my rebirth

I sought solace in him; he gave me back my earth

You...

My light, love, inspiration

with you, my soul has been redeemed

I am no longer simply existing

at long last, I have started living!!

feeling low

my head's spinning around 

with a whirlwind of memories

my spirits seem to have sunken down

devoid n' deplete of all energies

I want these moments to be lost in time

like the tears in the rain

O! how I wish I could experience peace

without embracing the pains

I want to escape from this abyss

but I don't know where to go

I want to tide over these emotions

but I don't know what to do

I am feeling low is all I know

my heart is feeling blue!

You hurt me...

I thought we were bonded in love,

on the very premise of trust,

but I know now ~

it wasn't the same for you

and so my heart you hurt !

you promised me you would care,

you said you wouldn't hurt ever,

n' I took it all as gospel ~

but my life you turned it hell !

when you said you had

not yet made up ya mind

were all the true love

claims of yours asinine?

behind my back with my friend

you tried to connive

and made me look like a fool

was I a real dumb lass to confide

n' share it all with you?

your tacit denial of our relation ~

broke my heart and shattered my dreams,

they took me back to the world I bequeathed,

a place filled with my tears, fears and screams !

I looked back to see if I'd faltered,

or done something to seed ya thoughts,

I found out I had done nothing as such

n' it was ya wile that got us to lurch !

do you know that here I am crying

shedding tear drops for someone like you?

for all your promises of not hurting me

remain baseless and untrue !

I know that you'll never change,

I am feeling trapped within a maze,

I don't know if I can take

it all in my stride..??

for truth remains unscathed ~

that you have hurt me and my pride..!!

Never Alone!

I read your thoughts 

in the morn when I first awake

I feel you are with me

in every step that I take

I miss you not being around

from the first breath that I took

but since you stepped in my life

for love I never had to look

The close bond that we have shared

from our first encounter with each other

will take us through the miles

in our journey together

Although we are spread apart

we look at the same sky above

none amidst us is ever alone

we are wrapped as one in our love

You are "The One"

Fate, finally has been kind

after such a long time

as it blessed me with thine

n' destined you for me

I know YOU are "The One"

yes, my love, you are mine!

I have always needed you

n' now, that I have you by my side

do hold my hand n' lead me away

into your world, abode your place

n' chase away my fears n' doubts

as you wipe the tears off my face

I need you to take me off my past

n' heal my shattered soul n' heart

after all the trials that I have had

I hope together, we remain glad

God, sent you as my angel from above

I promise, I shall once again learn to love

I can feel my heart open again

I know it's opening only for you

just come in, and love me lots

that's all I want you to do

as my mind wonders n' heart beats

I realize, I'm nothing without you

you are the one who makes me whole

you have deeply touched my soul

I've made you, now, my reason to live

All of myself, to you, I give

you are my world, you are my heart

now, I cannot live, with you apart!

Lost Alone

Lost is my soul

alone am I 

in the shadowless 

dark within myself

surrounded by fears

I scream I yell

but I hear no sound

I shed no tears

I try to take a step

but find no path

its' a bottomless pit

on which I seem 

to have embarked

the only possessor 

of my arcane lore

I feel to my life

there is nothing more

so lost alone am I 

that lonely is my soul

my hearts' a void

a rubble of 

mirthless beats 

that keep me alive 

even when 

I'm dead meat

Twilight

She was clouded in the ambivalence of the unknowns

She ran from watchful eyes n' got trapped in the shadows

She struggled to find tears when she wanted to cry

She was filled with tropes of emptiness that set her dry

Till love found her when fading hope shattered her will

And -

She rose like a phoenix from her own ash fill

She faced life's trials, scathed yet strong

She led through the darkest nights, awaiting the dawn

She searched for transcendence in all her quests

She mused over her past and her vacant pursuits

The twilight in her life blossomed her spark

As it eclipsed the cusp of light and dark

She set herself free from the captivity of her past

With her new found freedom, she found out what she'd lost 

Embalmed with love, enthralled in mystic bliss

She glowed as she sang her own twilight twist!

Reflection

I look into 

my reflection

n' what do I see

a moving soul

caught in

festered life

chaste innocence

trapped in a

labyrinth mind

of strewn emotions

n' sodden eyes

that reflect pain

I look at her again

n' all I see

is a damsel in distress

calling out for help

to be freed from

captivity of 

her traumatic past

to be the one 

that she wants to be

the real child-woman

that she is

I know by now

that what I see

is not an illusion 

it is me

yet, it can't be true

but it is

n' there is 

no escape

for it is

the reflection 

of my face

Stay Afloat! Stay Ashore!

when the ripples come alive with each stroke n' wonder

how in the yonder, the sea n' sky embrace each other

when the soft hues of sunset, replenished by night

uphold the pristine waxing n' waning moonlight

when the only source of light away, shimmers

illuminating everything as it saunters

Stay afloat! Stay ashore!

 

when shadowless waters, brim with froth

adrift as a soul in peril n' appear lost

when dark cloudy storms bellow, with no escape

stumbling through waves in a shrouded haze

when rustling breeze bounce over the streams

n'then disappear like a silent dream

Stay afloat! Stay ashore!

if you don't brave the storm, don't tackle it by horn

you won't survive the tide, you will be gone

so ride the waves, take the plunge

for life's a flow n' its true

hang in there, be it high or low,

for this is what you got to do

Stay afloat! Stay ashore!

Dark Night

not just at the dawn of dusk
when sunlight alludes us
do we come across the dark night

every moment is a dark night
each day is a dark night
we got to endure the dark night
n' move forward

in the helm of the lows
when fear envelops the mind
we must not cry in the dark night

every moment is a dark night
each day is a dark night
we got to endure the dark night
n' not sigh inward

baskin' in the moonlight
seekin' company in thy shadow
we must look out for signs in the dark night

every moment is a dark night
each day is a dark night
we got to endure the dark night
n' not let go off will

oblivious to what's in anvil
armed with hope as the shield
we must have faith in the dark night

every moment is a dark night
each day is a dark night
we got to endure the dark night
n' not stand still

Mirage

all that I
believed in
was but a dream
a carnival
a fanfare
or so it seemed

I wanted
to capture
all that was
in my vision
I thought I could
but 'twas my illusion

the further I went
the farther it got
was it a horizon
or a mirage
that which
I sought

I blinked my eyes
dream was gone
the mask torn
reality dawned
even before
my thought formed

Wanderer

She traveled 

far and wide

a sole wanderer

in quest of peace

across oceans, plateau

n' the jaded forests

crossin' deserts, planes

n' the mired valleys

 

She traveled 

far and wide

a sole wanderer

in search of love

the obscured sky above

the moonlit galaxy

besprinkled with stars

guiding her as a lighthouse

She traveled 

far and wide

a sole wanderer

in pursuit of answers

through unknown paths

where no man had tread

keeping her will alive 

in her sparkling eyes

Unfazed by the outcome of ~

her quest, search n' pursuit

bewildered by the realities

of the vagaries of life

imbuing the realms

like a wise sojourner

She traveled 

far and wide

a sole wanderer!

Pondering Moments!

Why does it feel like -
Nature is telling
a story that's known!

Events shaping memories
as the journey unfolds
Paths laden with stumbling blocks
that the intellectual mind unlocks

Why does it feel like -
the winds are singing
the song that's lore!

E'en in the cacophony of sound
Is an eerie calmness that's still!
that soothes the pristine soul
aligning the conflicts by the shore

Why does it feel like -
Moments of our life
are borrowed from time

Every moment in quest
Is every moment that's gone
Every moment that passes
Leaves an imprint of the lorn

Bridge Across Forever

As I kept walking ~
through the tunnel of life
I thought it would turnout
to be a blissful sojourn

I chased the wind
to catch the rainbow
I sprayed the colors
to paint the meadows

as I stumbled on blocks
and meandered my way
the cracks began to show
and paths grew astray

like pomeron trajectory
my footprints imagery lay
in the canvas of my mind
the only color was dark gray

I am hurt, I am broken
Yet I have ~
a will that's unshaken
I move towards the light
that cuts through the dark
at the end of the tunnel
that's long and stark

I know there is ~
a conduit out there
arching towards the sky
built by the HANDS above
pillared by pristine love
tunneling the bridge
across the dark forever!!

Solitude

quiet yet unquiet was how it began
n' then the turbulence took over my mind
I felt restrained within my own confines
unable to think, unable to move
I stood rooted at ground zero
with the shackles of loneliness
caving in on me, o! how much -
I longed for a glimpse of mirage
but I kept falling in the menacing dark
'twas like a free fall from mind to heart
with nothing to say or hear about
unrequited love anguishing my soul
tears contriving to trap my mind
fetters of fear making me cold
with pain so devastatingly intense
in the frame of a tacitly recluse soul
reprising the footprint impressions
clamoring over the times bygone
wanting to embrace the eternal flame
reprieving till then in solitude realm!!

Somebody's Me!

Somebody is lonely
Somebody in deep sea
Somebody wants to keep every fear at bay!

Somebody can see
Somebody hears me
Somebody feels me every single day!

That Somebody's Me;
That Somebody's Me!!

Somebody is out there
Somebody in despair
Somebody needs one to care in every way!

Somebody is forthright
Somebody sees light
Sombody frees the soul into a colorful ray!

That Somebody's Me;
That Somebody's Me!!

An Unquiet Mind

An unquiet mind
is of the salient kind
trapped in
melancholy
mania n' asinine
ballistic efforts
juxtaposed with
malignant thoughts n'
unchecked exuberance
causing skepticism
troubled dreams n'
fallible endeavors
forever drowning in
faded eclectic lines

In the flashing
revelations of
the mind's
wonderful fire
also lie the
sky borne ideas
triggered from an
astringent intellect
creating a plausible
enterprise with
frenzied enthusiasm
n' gravitas

every fury, pain
qualm n' joy
every high, low
mood n' sigh
that can be
felt with certainty
by the inner
conscience
of a human soul
lie within the expanse
of this very
unquiet mind!!

Look Ahead

Skies gray bellowing away
Cries echoing at the deep sea
I'm sinking inside me, yet afloat
Worried whether I will be wiped out

In the cold unknown darkness
With no hand guiding me
My own thoughts are swept apart
Shreded to pieces is a lonely heart

But, I think I see a fading light
Is it an illusion, is it a disguise?
I let the light comfort me
Hold me against my waning will

I surge ahead with all my might
I fight against the raging tide
At the risk of being shattered
I ask - backward or forward

I alone must now decide
And -
I decide to look ahead.

Known Unknown

When our life's paths interwined
It felt then as if we were destined
to be known to each other
and share the journey together

Two souls in search of an anchor
united in friendship splendour
Life in its realm appeared bliss
with sheer love, joy n' caress

Then came the accusation
the heartburn in the relation
the farceness, the gamble
life seemed in shambles

Your gratitude, your pretence
was only an effervesence
and when the charm ended
the charmer, you disdained

Thoughts about you upset n' I sigh
your talks, your words, a blatant lie
I despise myself for holding you so close
that you question my integrity n' called it hoax

The sadness further darkens my mind
known's become unknown, thanks to thine
I shudder to think of the past now -
But, I know I have to learn to live with it somehow.

As long as you are there...

This world has not given me much,
A lot of pain, and many a heart felt sigh,
But, my only comfort off-lately is your gentle touch,
My heart's speaking true, this ain't a lie.

I was scared of the intense dark,
Life's ugly face did bother me,
And my fate left me such a deep mark,
I felt surrendered, I felt lost.

You give me hope for my future,
With your friendship, I see life with no end;
Without your presence, I fear to tread on anything,
It’s on you whom I depend, my friend.

The assurance you are always with me,
Gives me confidence all will go well,
It doesn’t matter what problems arise,
I know you have the wisdom to know what's right.

Not every problem is solved as I wish,
But I trust you know to handle it best,
So I simply move on and put it behind,
I don’t let it cause me any distress.

Without your friendship, I feel lonely,
But together with you, I feel accomplished.
The care you express for each day that I live,
Are much more than I’ll ever need.

So-
As long as you are there to love me my friend, I'll keep living...
As long as you are there to hold my hand, I do not fear falling,
As long as you are there to wipe my tears, I'm not afraid of crying,
As long as you can read my face, I'll not endeavor hiding.

As Long As You Are There - my dearest friend, I'll keep living...

Psalm of Life

appearances of blues n'
disappearances of mirth
are like the seasons
and one should not be
disturbed by them

the moment you fully surmise
of who and what you are
it's only then that
you begin to build
your own pristine world

in the altitude of your life ~
of whatever you hath
having ebbed away
it will come back to you
with abundant cheers
rippling every bare
inlet, creek n' bay

T'is is the Psalm of Life!!

Turn My Life Around

I don't know where I went wrong

I can't say which turn led me here

I only know that I'm afraid -

I feel worn down and full of fear

So much lies still within my soul-

wanting to burst free to serve at will

I try to find the strength within but I do not

for with every passing moment I find myself standing still

Whenever I have tried to find the way -

through this confusing life without grace

I fall and stumble everywhere

as softly tears run down upon my face

It's been so long since I have been practicing -

the art of being able to endure and give

Though over time I've learned and grown

Now it's time for me to learn to live

When I prayed to Lord, from within my soul -

HE sent you to come into my life

I need to plant my feet on firm ground

O! dear, will you turn my life around?